A New Year's Story

Now is the time to be pensive. New Year’s is a time for remembering the past and thinking about the future. I spent all of my New Year’s Day looking through my old pictures from 2007 – the first picture of the year, my birthday, Anna’s and Bryan’s and Julia’s sixteenth birthdays, my trip to China, my first marching band adventures, fencing. Before I got to the China part, awful memories came flooding back, filling my mind. My sixteenth birthday marked the beginning of the rapid decline of one of my best, truest, and most comfortable friendships, and after that date, things only got worse. I found myself thrown into an inescapable depression, despite the best efforts of other, wonderful friends, and I was never able to trust or love anyone so fully in the years that followed. During that time, all I can remember is unbelievable pain and confusion. My grades were slipping and my other friends were drifting away because I could not hold on to them; all of my energy was wasted trying to imagine what I had done wrong and what I could do to at least have her talk to me again, to smile at me when she walked by, or to at least stop pretending that I was just another object in the room. Sophomore year remains a black hole for me – I can recall very little of my academics, and though I made new friends, few of them stuck. This was the year that Oh! Gravity., the sixth Switchfoot album, came out, and after this dramatic turn of events, I fell to sitting by myself and finding refuge in lines like “All of my world hanging on your lies”. I became increasingly pessimistic about everything, and I lost any value I had had for myself. My way of thinking was that, if she couldn’t like me, how could anyone else? How could I? I think I’ve made my point very clearly: to say this was the low point of my high school career would be an extreme understatement. This person broke my heart, but also my trust, self-esteem, and self-worth.

But, as I was gathering photos from my past to compile for my scrapbook, I took a trip down memory lane. I was surprised to see how many photographs were filled with friends and smiling faces, and I realise that I let everyone around me down. It’s not my job to allow silly drama get to my head; no, I am the one who helps pull those around me out of its sticky claws. Friends, some who hadn’t even known me for more than a few months, tried their hardest to cheer me up, to remind me that life goes on, but I ignored them, and I stagnated in my own cesspool of self-pity and worthlessness. There has never been another time in my life during which I had been so self-centred and blind to the kindness of those who still remained by my side. I was actually surrounded by people who cared about me, but I was too wrapped up in the insignificant opinions of one girl to even notice.

That summer, though, everything changed. I needed it to. I changed my appearance dramatically, cutting and styling my hair in a way that was so different from anything I’d ever attempted before, and I bought new, thick-rimmed glasses that made me look like an entirely different person. I didn’t feel different, though. I went to China and made amazing friends and memories. It was truly the trip of a lifetime. I joined marching band, too, and even devoted my entire summer to learning a new instrument, and I became closer with many band geeks with whom I’d already been friendly, and met even more fantastic people. I got a job and started ballroom dancing! I remembered that I had a life to live, and that I didn’t need that one person to live it – I’d survived the first thirteen years of my life without her, after all. Grades, self-esteem, and social vitality all rose from the deepest depths, when I never thought they could.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 2007 was not as awful a year as I’ve always remembered it to be. Instead, I learned how to fight for my self-worth, how to adapt, and that I didn’t need people who were going to hurt and belittle me in my life. Three of my best friendships, Dan, Jesson, and Andrew, were all kindled during that heart-wrenching year, and it is truly a blessing and an honour to be able to have them in my life, as cheesey as that may sound. Perhaps, if the dreadful things that passed in those early months of the year hadn’t, I would never have created these three strong, life-saving bonds. And I don't hate her. Maybe I need to be thankful. Maybe I need to say, “*********, thank you for breaking my heart, because, in your attempt to hurt, confuse, belittle, and destroy me, I learned some things about myself. I learned that I have power beyond your control, and I learned how to love other people and myself, and I learned that I can survive. And that is the best gift you ever have – or ever could have – given me. Thank you.”

I know that it’s a cheesey song, but it really is a confidence booster for me when these little self-esteem nightmares, rooted in this incident, start to set in. I always remember Gloria Gaynor’s immortal I Will Survive, sung with all the gutsy confidence in the world.

First I was afraid, I was petrified / Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side / But I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong / and I grew strong, and I learned how to carry on.

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart / kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart / and I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself / I used to cry, but now I hold my head up high / and you see me, somebody new / I'm not that chained up little person, still in love with you

Go on now go, walk out the door / just turn around now, 'cause you're not welcome anymore / weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye / you think I'd crumble, you think I'd lay down and die / Oh no, not I / I will survive/ as long as i know how to love I know I’ll stay alive / I've got all my life to live / I've got all my love to give / And I'll survive, I will survive.

But it is 2010 now. They say that it takes at least ten years for historians to really start being able to analyse an event that would make history, because until that point, they are not removed enough from all that’s transpired. And yet, it’s almost surprising that it took me this long to really come to terms with what had happened then, which is now almost three years ago. I don’t know what to say about 2009, because it is still fresh in my memory – after all, it only ended three days ago. It was another year of great change: I turned eighteen, I dyed my hair purple, I started reading for fun consistently again, and I went to college. I made friends, I lost friends, and I grew closer to other friends, and I stopped having trouble being one hundred percent, completely me.

As for my future, I can’t say. My hopes are that I remain close with the people I’ve met this year and the people whom I’ve had to leave in this last year. I want to be able to be a best friend again. I want to continue to record my life in writing and in photographs, and I want to continue to educate myself on anything and everything. I finally feel like I have a fair balance, for the most part, and I want to keep that, and make it stronger. Those are all my hopes; of course, there are little things, like get good grades, etc., but these are the things that I consider the most important because they have been a part of my life, a part of me, in the past, and they really feel right, so I need to work hard to keep them a part of me in the future.

I hope the new year brings you peace of mind, and that you can resolve the be optimistic and try to salvage any bad situation fate may throw your way. Take it from someone who has been there, it’s better that way.