A New Year's Story

Now is the time to be pensive. New Year’s is a time for remembering the past and thinking about the future. I spent all of my New Year’s Day looking through my old pictures from 2007 – the first picture of the year, my birthday, Anna’s and Bryan’s and Julia’s sixteenth birthdays, my trip to China, my first marching band adventures, fencing. Before I got to the China part, awful memories came flooding back, filling my mind. My sixteenth birthday marked the beginning of the rapid decline of one of my best, truest, and most comfortable friendships, and after that date, things only got worse. I found myself thrown into an inescapable depression, despite the best efforts of other, wonderful friends, and I was never able to trust or love anyone so fully in the years that followed. During that time, all I can remember is unbelievable pain and confusion. My grades were slipping and my other friends were drifting away because I could not hold on to them; all of my energy was wasted trying to imagine what I had done wrong and what I could do to at least have her talk to me again, to smile at me when she walked by, or to at least stop pretending that I was just another object in the room. Sophomore year remains a black hole for me – I can recall very little of my academics, and though I made new friends, few of them stuck. This was the year that Oh! Gravity., the sixth Switchfoot album, came out, and after this dramatic turn of events, I fell to sitting by myself and finding refuge in lines like “All of my world hanging on your lies”. I became increasingly pessimistic about everything, and I lost any value I had had for myself. My way of thinking was that, if she couldn’t like me, how could anyone else? How could I? I think I’ve made my point very clearly: to say this was the low point of my high school career would be an extreme understatement. This person broke my heart, but also my trust, self-esteem, and self-worth.

But, as I was gathering photos from my past to compile for my scrapbook, I took a trip down memory lane. I was surprised to see how many photographs were filled with friends and smiling faces, and I realise that I let everyone around me down. It’s not my job to allow silly drama get to my head; no, I am the one who helps pull those around me out of its sticky claws. Friends, some who hadn’t even known me for more than a few months, tried their hardest to cheer me up, to remind me that life goes on, but I ignored them, and I stagnated in my own cesspool of self-pity and worthlessness. There has never been another time in my life during which I had been so self-centred and blind to the kindness of those who still remained by my side. I was actually surrounded by people who cared about me, but I was too wrapped up in the insignificant opinions of one girl to even notice.

That summer, though, everything changed. I needed it to. I changed my appearance dramatically, cutting and styling my hair in a way that was so different from anything I’d ever attempted before, and I bought new, thick-rimmed glasses that made me look like an entirely different person. I didn’t feel different, though. I went to China and made amazing friends and memories. It was truly the trip of a lifetime. I joined marching band, too, and even devoted my entire summer to learning a new instrument, and I became closer with many band geeks with whom I’d already been friendly, and met even more fantastic people. I got a job and started ballroom dancing! I remembered that I had a life to live, and that I didn’t need that one person to live it – I’d survived the first thirteen years of my life without her, after all. Grades, self-esteem, and social vitality all rose from the deepest depths, when I never thought they could.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 2007 was not as awful a year as I’ve always remembered it to be. Instead, I learned how to fight for my self-worth, how to adapt, and that I didn’t need people who were going to hurt and belittle me in my life. Three of my best friendships, Dan, Jesson, and Andrew, were all kindled during that heart-wrenching year, and it is truly a blessing and an honour to be able to have them in my life, as cheesey as that may sound. Perhaps, if the dreadful things that passed in those early months of the year hadn’t, I would never have created these three strong, life-saving bonds. And I don't hate her. Maybe I need to be thankful. Maybe I need to say, “*********, thank you for breaking my heart, because, in your attempt to hurt, confuse, belittle, and destroy me, I learned some things about myself. I learned that I have power beyond your control, and I learned how to love other people and myself, and I learned that I can survive. And that is the best gift you ever have – or ever could have – given me. Thank you.”

I know that it’s a cheesey song, but it really is a confidence booster for me when these little self-esteem nightmares, rooted in this incident, start to set in. I always remember Gloria Gaynor’s immortal I Will Survive, sung with all the gutsy confidence in the world.

First I was afraid, I was petrified / Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side / But I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong / and I grew strong, and I learned how to carry on.

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart / kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart / and I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself / I used to cry, but now I hold my head up high / and you see me, somebody new / I'm not that chained up little person, still in love with you

Go on now go, walk out the door / just turn around now, 'cause you're not welcome anymore / weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye / you think I'd crumble, you think I'd lay down and die / Oh no, not I / I will survive/ as long as i know how to love I know I’ll stay alive / I've got all my life to live / I've got all my love to give / And I'll survive, I will survive.

But it is 2010 now. They say that it takes at least ten years for historians to really start being able to analyse an event that would make history, because until that point, they are not removed enough from all that’s transpired. And yet, it’s almost surprising that it took me this long to really come to terms with what had happened then, which is now almost three years ago. I don’t know what to say about 2009, because it is still fresh in my memory – after all, it only ended three days ago. It was another year of great change: I turned eighteen, I dyed my hair purple, I started reading for fun consistently again, and I went to college. I made friends, I lost friends, and I grew closer to other friends, and I stopped having trouble being one hundred percent, completely me.

As for my future, I can’t say. My hopes are that I remain close with the people I’ve met this year and the people whom I’ve had to leave in this last year. I want to be able to be a best friend again. I want to continue to record my life in writing and in photographs, and I want to continue to educate myself on anything and everything. I finally feel like I have a fair balance, for the most part, and I want to keep that, and make it stronger. Those are all my hopes; of course, there are little things, like get good grades, etc., but these are the things that I consider the most important because they have been a part of my life, a part of me, in the past, and they really feel right, so I need to work hard to keep them a part of me in the future.

I hope the new year brings you peace of mind, and that you can resolve the be optimistic and try to salvage any bad situation fate may throw your way. Take it from someone who has been there, it’s better that way.

Let's Talk About TV!

I've been watching A LOT of TV lately. This is turning into something of a problem, but I have so much free time and so I've been doing a lot of catching up on reruns and watching new shows. I think that, starting next week, I should write about all the new episodes I've watched on Fridays, because it makes it look like I'm doing something [even though it means the exact opposite!]. But before that, I should make that initial list and should write about what I've seen so far. Oh. There will be spoilers. I've provided links to where you can watch them online [if available] and times and channels if you want to check them out, lol.

Jeopardy! - Wednesday, 30 Sept, a guy name Stan was on Jeopardy! He gave a rather shameless shout-out to a Youtube video he and his friends - The Purple Teddy Bears - did in high school to I Want It That Way. Good play, sir. Even though you did not win, your video is currently being watched by thousands all across the country. Watch this every night on ABC - it changes locally, but home and here it's at 7.

Chuck - I watched the entire second half of the previous season of Chuck [including re-watching the Dom Monaghan ep]. Because of House's new time, Heroes, and my sister's obsession with Gossip Girl, I didn't get to see any of these. Seriously, though, I watched so many episodes that I wouldn't even know what to write. They were great, and I can't wait for the new season to start in March. [I will definitely let you know dates and times when I find out lol].

How I Met Your Mother - I watched the Pilot episode. It's really funny, and I love Neil Patrick Harris, but mostly, it's really funny. It's been a long time since I've watched a [not Jeopardy!] half hour show. I'm looking forward to watching more and more. I'll finish the first season, for sure, and see where that takes me.

Glee - I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, so I watched the Pilot. I loved it. And now I'm all caught up! There are a lot of Heroes alumni in it, and the one guy from My Own Worst Enemy. I loved the teens, I loved the teachers, I loved Jayma Mays, and I loved the music.
I'm a little annoyed that the gay kid and the black kid play the stereotypical gay and black kids in the way they talk, dress, and act [though the Asian kid doesn't, which is strange, and nice]. I also don't like that the gay kid called their song gay. I get that it's irony and all, but I don't think it's appropriate, from any character. Mr. Shu's wife bothers me so much. She seems to represent the American Dream gone wrong... or... exactly the kind of people I ran into working in that toy store back home. So, WHOA, when I saw the wife with the lighter she reminded me of Claire's bio-mom in Heroes. And I'd be right.
But I always pick on the things I don't like. I like the way the kids' storylines mirror the adults', and the way that the characters handle it. I liked the anti-abstinence-only and feminist plug in the Celibacy Club. And most importantly, I couldn't stop laughing. I like this show a lot and will definitely keep watching! I think this is Wednesdays at 9 on Fox.

House - Oh my gosh. Did you miss the two-hour season premier? Because you should totally go watch that right now. So many people from our dorm and outside of it gather in our common room to watch House every Monday night at 8 on Fox. Of course, this means I have to skip Heroes, but that goes online the day after it airs, so I catch up fast enough [House doesn't go online until eight days after it airs! STUPID.] I'm so glad for House, taking control of his life and trying to find things that hold his interest to keep his mind clean. Is it weird to be proud of a TV character? Haha... On the other hand, though, I'm royally pissed off with Foreman - when am I not, though? I hate him -.- - and I'm really sad about Taub [hope it's not permanent :( ]. Third episode is tomorrow, 8, Fox, and I'm super excited.


Heroes -THIS SEASON ACTUALLY DOESN'T SUCK SO FAR. This is the season we fans have been waiting for since the first one ended! The third was decent, but the second... well we just don't talk about it... This is the good stuff that we've been waiting for. The Sylar/Parkman storyline is so thrilling [starting to remind me of last season's House lol], and the Hiro/Ando story makes me so sad *sob*. Here's another one that I'm super excited to watch [on Tuesday, though] because its third episode comes out tomorrow lol, 8, NBC.

Castle - Still loving it. Last week's episode had a lot of grammar nerding going on, which was fantastic. :D As always, the relationship between Castle and Beckett is very well portrayed, I love Castle's slighty-crazy mother, and I think the girl who plays his daughter is pretty excellent, too. Third episode tomorrow, lol, 10, ABC. [If it's a good show, it must air on Mondays, obviously.]

Fringe - Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh. I love this show. Since the first or second episode of its first season last year, it has easily become my favourite show [tied with House, I guess]. And this season... well I was very, very scared that it would be like Heroes: amazing first season and then crap for two years after. I've read some reviews of the first season, where people were saying they needed to 'warm up' to the show - that the end of the season was much better than the beginning. I always thought the other way around: I really loved the beginning, and started to get a little nervous when an actual, um, plot began to develop. Maybe it was just my 'bad' experience with Heroes? Who knows. But for a while, I didn't like where the show was going, and even though the second season just picks it up and follows that line, I love it. Charlie, omg. That was so predictable, but it makes me so saddddd. And John Noble... I love him. Denethor, ftw. He's a great actor ♥ and has a lot of awesome crazy roles lol. The fourth episode will air this Thursday at 9 on Fox, so tune in!

Infomania - Infomania is a satirical news show that airs Thursdays at 10 on Current. That's channel 17 here or 192 back home on Fios. It's got a lot of great segments like "We've got you covered," which tells you the headlines of magazines from the week, and "That's Gay," which is about issues related to the queer community, and "Sergio's White Hot Top 5," in which Sergio makes fun of [usually crappy] music. It's a great show for news headlines and lots of laughs. Please tune in.

Rotten Tomatoes - I'm sure you're all familiar with the fantastic RottenTomatoes.com. In the show, they review the latest movies, show you the newest trailers, tell you what's coming out this weekend, give you chances to win $100!, and they make awesome montages, all with the same tongue-in-cheek, satirical style as Infomania. So if you want to know what's up in movieland, definitely check this out, Thursday nights at 10:30 [right after Infomania!].

The Fringe Fiasco, or, Why I Hate Fox [And DirecTV]

Last Thursday was the second season premiere of what quickly became one of my favourite TV shows, Fringe. Now, I love this show. I have been looking forward to this premiere since the day the last episode of the first season aired. Obviously, I was psyched. So, as 9pm got closer and closer, my excitement grew and grew. I couldn't remember which channel was Fox, so I surfed through the eighty-four channels we get in our room multiple times, but nothing that said Fox or looked like Fringe. So I found my channel list and looked to see, then turned to Fox. I got a message that said something along the lines of 'Don't bother calling, we know the channel is down and we'll have it back in a little while'. I was very angry, considering how much I'd been looking forward to this. Well that annoying screen and cutesy background music didn't go away for the whole hour, and they still hadn't when I turned off the TV. Luckily I got to watch it the next day, and didn't have to wait eight days for it to come online like I would for House.

Yeah, I know that's a boring thing to write about, but it was on my list, and it's what I've been up to. More later.

Kieve and Home!

Grapes. Glue. Gyroscopes. Go go go for G!


SATURDAY - Home, Sweet Home.

Last night was fun. PackpackHanaKimiHanaKimiSleep. I woke up this morning at ten to five - that's 4:50am folks! - because I felt something weird on my leg. Apparently Mum was trying to wake me up by pushing gently on my knee o_O;; Oh well. Of course, I get up real fast, and I'm totally ready to go in less than ten minutes. And, of course, my sister throws a tantrum. She gets in the car sobbing quietly and by the time we pull away, out of earshot of our sleeping cabin-mates, she starts screaming about how much she hates Mum. "I hope you kill us all!" It's times like this that actually make me excited to go to college.

I really wanted a bagel for breakfast but we couldn't find a bagel shop anywhere! So we ended up with Dunkin' Donuts instead, but it was really bad >>;; Oh, except you know how tiny our 'medium' hot chocolate or coffee is here? Theirs was HUGE in comparison lol. Heh.

The rest of the ride was fairly uneventful. I slept for an hour or so. We got home just after noon. I brought my bag of books upstairs and then when I was leaving the house again to get my other bag, I slipped down the porch steps. I got really wet, and now I have a cut on my back >>;;

I watched There Will Be Blood. I like that movie :]

We went to Best Buy to get this laptop we've been looking at. It's very nice. I'm just sad that this one is so crummy. Mum was very worried that I couldn't be able to rely on this one for college.

Mum and I also went to Shop Rite. We bought bagels! And this weird egg stuff and other things. So for dinner, I tried to make these eggs and they turned out very well, and then I also ate a bagel. And we also made pudding! Yay! But then I fell asleep and woke up around 10-10:30. Since then, I've been setting up my computer and wasting time.

I'm excited because this week, I'll get to hang out with Will, Sharon, Ying, Jesson, the marching band, and maybe even Elisabeth! Ooh I hope so! And maybe Vigg, but more on that later. Don't feel like writing it up, not sure I ever will *lazy*. Peace!



FRIDAY - Kieve, day 6.

Once more, I skipped breakfast. Too tired lol. I watched everyone swimming [didn't bother going in, myself, because by the time I changed and started having fun, it'd be time for lunch]. Took some photos though. I hung out for a while, and even climbed in the giant bell with Caroline.





Then Mum made me go to Wiscasset to buy $30 worth of cheap crap because each of us [Mum, sister, and I] had a $10 coupon to a discount store. On the way, Jesson called me and asked if I wanted to play Dark Heresy over the phone. I declined. I got something for myself, my sister, and Jesson.



We were back at the camp just in time for dinner. And after dinner was the annual slideshow! I managed, as usual, to be in as few photos as possible, but there were some awesome photos of the other guys.



Tonight, Diego really wanted to do pottery, so we went up there. I didn't want to make anything, though, and sitting space was very low, so I came back down to the cabin to write this and to pack.

Tomorrow, we're going to leave early, like before breakfast, I hope. Please please please. I mean, Mum says so, but, well, if you know Mum.... *facepalm* Mostly, I'm worried about Brigid. She won't want to. Meh. The next time I get online, I believe, will be AT MY HOUSE. YAYYY. Get ready for Saturday's numerous bored-stuck-in-car-kill-me tweets lol. Peace!


THURSDAY - Kieve, day 5.

I got really depressed on Wednesday night after reading Bryan's latest blog entry and reflecting a little bit. At least three of my very good friends left on Thursday, and I never got a chance to give them a proper goodbye. Furthermore, Vigg said he'd be on vacation from Friday until Friday, the night before I leave. So Wednesday morning wasn't much better, and I actually started crying no matter how much I tried to stop it. Mum even stayed back from a hike to stay with me =\\ Then my retard of a computer wouldn't let me watch my Jeeves & Wooster DVDs, so I ended up watching Hana Kimi and trying to explain it to Mum. Then we had lunch and went out because my aunt wanted to go shopping. Bleh, that wasn't so fun. But I did get ice cream ^-^.

I saw a show called "Scales and Tails." As you might guess, it was a demonstration about reptiles. It was so cool, and my dog was being surprisingly well behaved, not even winking an eye at the snake, iguana, and alligator. The alligator matched the guy's shirt; I loved that.



There was also a concert! Bruce Marshall. But it was so loud ><;;



I also got to hang out with the girls and Diego all night, which was fun. Someone was playing music up at the dining hall and we danced around to it. It was 12:30 before we were kicked out and sent back to our cabins =P



Videos! Diego raps about how much he wanted to go back to the cabin [sorry, I only got the very end], and Leilani, my sister, and Caroline sing that song...

Kieve, days 3 & 4

Once again, links, images, you know the drill.

Does anyone else think Jiro looks really good as a girl??



WEDNESDAY - Kieve, day 4.

This time, I just slept through breakfast. Then I showered and went to lunch. After lunch we went to the Maine State Aquarium, which was small, but awesome. There was a tank that held sharks we could pet, and there was also a touch tank with animals like lobsters, crabs, sea stars, urchins, sea cucumbers, etc. There was also this MASSIVE lobster. So big! I took a lot of photos.


On the bus ride home, Kieran found the paint option. Oh gosh.


After that, I came back here and watched more Hana Kimi. After that, we had an Italian dinner and then I called Jesson. Andrew called, too, and we got to talk to 42 minutes! That's a lot, considering my old phone used to hang up after between five and ten. Then we watched a juggling show, and now I get Internet! Hoorah! Enjoy some more photos, and a video, too.




TUESDAY - Kieve, day 3.

I didn't do anything, really. After breakfast [waffles!!], I went back to sleep, but then I missed lunch and woke up shortly after it was over. I finished reading The Picture of Dorian Gray and then we had to leave for dinner, so I grabbed a Mamet book. I finished both plays within that book - Sexual Perversity in Chicago and The Duck Variations - before dinner was served. One night every year, we go to a Pemaquid lobster co-op for dinner. It's really beautiful there, see?


It was a lot of fun watching everyone trying really hard to eat lobsters, because a lot of us don't know how. Personally, I just ate sides v_v;; There was also blueberry birthday cake and ice cream! Hehehe.


On the ride home, Caroline and Diego found the paint option on my camera. Caroline coloured on pictures of me, her sister, and my sister, and Diego coloured on himself. Check it out.


After we finally came back, I retired fairly early and watched two episodes of Hana Kimi [heh >.<;;].