A New Year's Story

Now is the time to be pensive. New Year’s is a time for remembering the past and thinking about the future. I spent all of my New Year’s Day looking through my old pictures from 2007 – the first picture of the year, my birthday, Anna’s and Bryan’s and Julia’s sixteenth birthdays, my trip to China, my first marching band adventures, fencing. Before I got to the China part, awful memories came flooding back, filling my mind. My sixteenth birthday marked the beginning of the rapid decline of one of my best, truest, and most comfortable friendships, and after that date, things only got worse. I found myself thrown into an inescapable depression, despite the best efforts of other, wonderful friends, and I was never able to trust or love anyone so fully in the years that followed. During that time, all I can remember is unbelievable pain and confusion. My grades were slipping and my other friends were drifting away because I could not hold on to them; all of my energy was wasted trying to imagine what I had done wrong and what I could do to at least have her talk to me again, to smile at me when she walked by, or to at least stop pretending that I was just another object in the room. Sophomore year remains a black hole for me – I can recall very little of my academics, and though I made new friends, few of them stuck. This was the year that Oh! Gravity., the sixth Switchfoot album, came out, and after this dramatic turn of events, I fell to sitting by myself and finding refuge in lines like “All of my world hanging on your lies”. I became increasingly pessimistic about everything, and I lost any value I had had for myself. My way of thinking was that, if she couldn’t like me, how could anyone else? How could I? I think I’ve made my point very clearly: to say this was the low point of my high school career would be an extreme understatement. This person broke my heart, but also my trust, self-esteem, and self-worth.

But, as I was gathering photos from my past to compile for my scrapbook, I took a trip down memory lane. I was surprised to see how many photographs were filled with friends and smiling faces, and I realise that I let everyone around me down. It’s not my job to allow silly drama get to my head; no, I am the one who helps pull those around me out of its sticky claws. Friends, some who hadn’t even known me for more than a few months, tried their hardest to cheer me up, to remind me that life goes on, but I ignored them, and I stagnated in my own cesspool of self-pity and worthlessness. There has never been another time in my life during which I had been so self-centred and blind to the kindness of those who still remained by my side. I was actually surrounded by people who cared about me, but I was too wrapped up in the insignificant opinions of one girl to even notice.

That summer, though, everything changed. I needed it to. I changed my appearance dramatically, cutting and styling my hair in a way that was so different from anything I’d ever attempted before, and I bought new, thick-rimmed glasses that made me look like an entirely different person. I didn’t feel different, though. I went to China and made amazing friends and memories. It was truly the trip of a lifetime. I joined marching band, too, and even devoted my entire summer to learning a new instrument, and I became closer with many band geeks with whom I’d already been friendly, and met even more fantastic people. I got a job and started ballroom dancing! I remembered that I had a life to live, and that I didn’t need that one person to live it – I’d survived the first thirteen years of my life without her, after all. Grades, self-esteem, and social vitality all rose from the deepest depths, when I never thought they could.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 2007 was not as awful a year as I’ve always remembered it to be. Instead, I learned how to fight for my self-worth, how to adapt, and that I didn’t need people who were going to hurt and belittle me in my life. Three of my best friendships, Dan, Jesson, and Andrew, were all kindled during that heart-wrenching year, and it is truly a blessing and an honour to be able to have them in my life, as cheesey as that may sound. Perhaps, if the dreadful things that passed in those early months of the year hadn’t, I would never have created these three strong, life-saving bonds. And I don't hate her. Maybe I need to be thankful. Maybe I need to say, “*********, thank you for breaking my heart, because, in your attempt to hurt, confuse, belittle, and destroy me, I learned some things about myself. I learned that I have power beyond your control, and I learned how to love other people and myself, and I learned that I can survive. And that is the best gift you ever have – or ever could have – given me. Thank you.”

I know that it’s a cheesey song, but it really is a confidence booster for me when these little self-esteem nightmares, rooted in this incident, start to set in. I always remember Gloria Gaynor’s immortal I Will Survive, sung with all the gutsy confidence in the world.

First I was afraid, I was petrified / Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side / But I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong / and I grew strong, and I learned how to carry on.

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart / kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart / and I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself / I used to cry, but now I hold my head up high / and you see me, somebody new / I'm not that chained up little person, still in love with you

Go on now go, walk out the door / just turn around now, 'cause you're not welcome anymore / weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye / you think I'd crumble, you think I'd lay down and die / Oh no, not I / I will survive/ as long as i know how to love I know I’ll stay alive / I've got all my life to live / I've got all my love to give / And I'll survive, I will survive.

But it is 2010 now. They say that it takes at least ten years for historians to really start being able to analyse an event that would make history, because until that point, they are not removed enough from all that’s transpired. And yet, it’s almost surprising that it took me this long to really come to terms with what had happened then, which is now almost three years ago. I don’t know what to say about 2009, because it is still fresh in my memory – after all, it only ended three days ago. It was another year of great change: I turned eighteen, I dyed my hair purple, I started reading for fun consistently again, and I went to college. I made friends, I lost friends, and I grew closer to other friends, and I stopped having trouble being one hundred percent, completely me.

As for my future, I can’t say. My hopes are that I remain close with the people I’ve met this year and the people whom I’ve had to leave in this last year. I want to be able to be a best friend again. I want to continue to record my life in writing and in photographs, and I want to continue to educate myself on anything and everything. I finally feel like I have a fair balance, for the most part, and I want to keep that, and make it stronger. Those are all my hopes; of course, there are little things, like get good grades, etc., but these are the things that I consider the most important because they have been a part of my life, a part of me, in the past, and they really feel right, so I need to work hard to keep them a part of me in the future.

I hope the new year brings you peace of mind, and that you can resolve the be optimistic and try to salvage any bad situation fate may throw your way. Take it from someone who has been there, it’s better that way.

Fall Break

Fall Break

My fall break was fantastic. It was supposed to start "Thursday at 5:00 pm", but my theatre teacher cancelled class for that Thursday. That being my only Thursday class, I could leave as soon as classes were over on Wednesday, which is precisely what I did, catching a 3:07 train back to NJ.

It was great being home.

On Thursday, I visited LHS. I tried the side door, but it was locked, so I turned back to walk around to the front, when I heard the door open and Josh Kim yell my name. That was convenient, and great to see him. I stopped by the band room with him and Anton, but I wanted to visit Mrs. Lee, so I did, but she wasn't there! The Spanish sub that always subs for her was there, and I asked if I could just say hi, so she said I had "two minutes". It took a little longer than two minutes, yeah, but she kicked me out after a while. A lot of people to see in that classroom :( Hopefully next time, Mrs. Lee will be there and I can spend more time!

I didn't know what to do, since I told Mum not to pick me up until 1:04 [when seventh period ends], so I went to orchestra. Dr. T. made me play o__o;; It was pretty unnerving when she said "Oh you can sit next to Deborah!" Hah -.- Except I played the second part on the harder songs. Hehh. It was really great to see everyone, but there was much more weekend to go!

Mum and I practised making rainbow cupcakes. I also had a dance lesson on Thursday night, and I brought the cupcakes to dance to share with everyone there. Yay dance! Woo. That made me happy. I miss it so much :'(

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On Friday, I went to LHS again for the GSA meeting. I was really surprised at the underclassmen turn-out. It looks like there's hope for the club yet! Yay! I brought a rainbow cake, too, because it was a Coming Out Day party. Everyone loved it [but it's hard to eat something with so much food dye].

That evening, I went to see The Invention of Lying with Vigg. It was cute, but not as amazing as I'd expected [I don't really know what I was hoping for, since my hopes weren't very high; it wasn't even a bad movie, in fact it was very good, but... well I don't know]. Afterwards, I kidnapped him to my driveway for about forty-minutes, not telling him where I was taking him next.

Then we went to Applebee's. That was wonderful! I got see Bryan, Arianna, Alex, Kevin, Dan, Mike, and many more amazing band geeks. Life is weird without them =\ Any way, we tried to smush ten people into this little tiny booth, which was only built for six, max. That was fun.

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Saturday was fantastic beyond belief.

I went to the mall because Mum wanted to buy ...who knows what. And I needed tights. I ended up stopping at The Gap and getting fall-wear, too. I love their boys clothes. So great haha.

I got all dressed up in a knee-length striped sweater/dress and my tights and my Mary Janes, and I even straightened my hair yay. I went to New York City, where I met up with Sharon and Maria for a little while, as I headed to the Radio City Music Hall. Alice was with them, too. That was great. I miss having Sharon's smiling face and Maria's sense of humour~ Last year, I sat between them every day, and now I don't :(

Halfway there, Mum yelled "SHIT" and grabbed my arm - not joking. Turns out she forgot the tickets. WTF. I was VERY angry and scared they wouldn't let us in. When we got there, they only let one person in to the box office at a time, per party, so I had to stand on the street and wait. That's when I saw Stephen Colbert. He was there with two of his kids and the man said 'only one at a time' and he was a little mad with him and said, "I have kids with me, I'm not going to leave them out here alone." I wasn't paying attention, though, 'cuz I was scared for the sake of my own tickets. I didnt' realise it was Stephen Colbert at the time, either.

We got in.

When the show started, I almost cried three separate times out of sheer excitement. It was a concert of The Fellowship of the Ring music, performed by a massive, live orchestra, and three choruses, with the movie projected on a giant screen in the background! AHHHH.

The scariest/most amazing part was intermission. I went out into the lobby to buy a programme, and four feet in front of me, I saw Howard Shore walk by. I have never been so starstruck. My mouth and eyes opened wide [ =0 ] and my feet wouldn't move... at all. He was right there, shaking hands with someone, and I was right there and couldn't do anything about it. I went back to my seat to see if I could find Mum and tell her, after I'd lost him into the crowd, but then I remembered to buy a programme. As I continued searching for Mum, I found Dan [H., from school] and told him about this. Sooo excited. I started crying a little bit, again, haha. Tears of joy!

After the second half, I heard that there was a signing. There was such a long line, but I finally got there. Howard Shore signed my Fellowship of the Ring CD that I've had since middle school. AAAHHH.

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Sunday was the chill day. Mum and I woke up very late haha. We also had to buy a new suit case, because I've been using my sister's. But this one is superiour, really. And I also bought bubble tea! Yay! I don't know if there's any of that up here, still -.-

I caught a train back to school that evening, and worked on a paper during the three-hour ride.

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Fall break was great. The next time I'll be back will be for Thanksgiving. See you then :D
Pictures coming soon... I just left my camera at home so I have to wait for this weekend when Mum brings it up.

Weekend at Home

For anyone who doesn't know, I had the pleasure of spending last weekend back home. It was fantastic.

I finished packing on Friday morning and went to German; after German, Mum and I took off, around 11:45. I hadn't eaten lunch, but we didn't want to waste time driving, so we stopped at Friendly's and got take-out Sundaes! ♥ Mine was Cookies & Cream [we don't have Cookies and Cream ice cream in the dining halls here, so it's been a while :( ] with Hot Fudge and Butterfingers, with Whipped Cream! So good :3 Any way, that would have to be the highlight of the three hour drive.

I got to Livingston a little after 2:30, and it was probably quarter to three by the time I got to LHS. The first person I saw was Phoebe, and then I saw Jimmy and Blair, and then I headed inside because there was a bakesale [and people]. I saw Paula, which was awesome. I miss her a lot. She gave me part of a brownie ^^. I went to visit Madame and Monsieur, and we chatted for a while. I also visited with Dr. T. and Mrs. Lee. I was very happy to see everyone, because I'm very homesick here and miss all these familiar faces terribly. After school, Mum and I bought bubble tea! More ♥. Another first-since-August.

Then I had to go shoe shopping, and I bought these really fun shoes and some boots because it gets wet up here. We got home just about the same time as Andrew got to our house, hehe. I was so happy to see him :D We tried to have dinner at Mistuba in Chatham, but it ran into my dance lesson, so I had to leave him and Mum there while I ran to dance. I had a great lesson, and then Andrew and Mum started to watch, so Victor went into show-off mode [which I do not like very much *cry*].

Once home, I taught Andrew how to play the violin [just a little tiny bit] and then we went to sleep. A very wonderful day. Saturday!

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Let me just say, it was Andrew's idea to wake up at six, but that loser was still in his sleeping bag by the time I came back from washing up and getting dressed O: I had to wake him up, but in his defence, he is A LOT easier to wake up than Greg. Yep. So when I asked Andrew what he'd like for breakfast, he said PANCAKES. So we ended up at the Original Pancake House :D I had crêpes, as usual, and they were delicious. We got to Jesson's house at 8:10, just like he'd asked us to, and we had to wait for Mrs. Hartmann to pick us up. Oli was going to cosplay, but we weren't.

We got to NYAF super early. The registration lines were... well, non-existent. We had to wait in this massive line until it opened.

Overall, I was not so impressed. I think AnimeNEXT was a lot more fun, and I did not like how the emphasis was on the vendors.

I actually bought less, too. But I got this really cute Bubble Tea / Kitten bag and a lunchbox and a necklace with a cloud on it :3

I also got some of those speech bubbles [ellipses] for Ying and Liam, because they both wanted to go but couldn't. Watching Uncle Yo was fantastic, and I taped the whole thing [now I just have to figure out how to put it on YouTube or FaceBook... heh... it's too long. Oh dear.


Because Andrew and I were not-so-impressed with NYAF, we left around five-ish and took a 6:11 train back to Livingston. It was sad because that meant I'd have a little less time with him, but I knew he had to get home any way. We said our sad goodbyes, but I'm sure we'll see each other again before the loser decides to move to Hawaii or something -.-

After that, I went to see the Marching Band perform in their first competition! I'd love to post the video; I'll see if I can get that working some time soon. I thought they were fantastic and they held their own decently, but they got last place [despite an award for Best Music]. I still think they were great.

I had to remove the video from Youtube, though, because of general stupidity -.-



I got a call from Greg that night. Turns out, we all met up at Applebee's for old times' sake. It was great :D It was Kenny, Greg, Wendy, Arianna, Josh [who was asleep], Dan, and Kevin. I hope that's it.... It was a lot of fun [but we were all very sleepie].


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On Sunday, Mum and I went to see Hamlet at the NJ Shakespeare Theatre. It was fantastic!! I loved it ♥.

That night, Mum and I also saw Inglourious Basterds, and despite the bad reviews, I thought it was great. I mean, it's not amazing and all that, but it was so good as an entertaining movie. If you haven't, go see it.

I took the train back to school on Monday afternoon. That was fun.

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If you missed me, I'll be back next weekend, so make sure I see you!! [This means you, Vigg.]
Check out all the photos from the weekend here: on Facebook!

The Last Week

Before I went to college, I had one week to hang out with as many friends as possible! I was very upset that I missed the TCNJ and Lehigh kids :( But here's a quick story of my adventures with everyone else.

On Tuesday, the twenty-fifth, I picked up Jesson and we visited Band Camp. I brought everyone popsicles and they were all very happy :] Except my sister, who acted like a little brat to me once again, because nothing is ever good enough. It was really great to catch up with everyone, since a lot of the band kids [that didn't graduate with me] are kids I don't get to see as often outside of school.




I had a dance lesson and had to leave band camp for that. It was a good lesson, as I recall.

That afternoon, I rode my bike, and Jesson ran around after me. Then he went home to pack for his trip to Maryland.

That night, Ying and Will came over, and we went to Pane Vino for dinner. We made Ying eat a lot of food, lol. Well, she ordered a calimari appetizer, but Will and I never planned on sharing it, so she had to eat both that and a meal all by herself. After that, we got ice cream at Calaco's and we jumped napped on my trampoline. HINT! Will is very ticklish. Just letting you know. After that, it was goodbye to two of my very good friends :'(



Wednesday, the twenty-sixth, was Sharon day ♥ . We watched The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert because all our other options were too depressing. [Hmm, the Holocaust movie or the story of a kid from a ghetto?] She even came to watch my dance lesson, but had to leave halfway through. I think she survived the drive home, though I'm not sure, since I haven't heard from her since ;D

On Thursday, I went to Verona Park with Maria! We had a lot of fun having a picnic of bagels and cookies. We even saw Sara there! we traipsed around through the stream, which something tells me we're not supposed to do, and got really close to some ducks and minnows. Lol.




That evening, I went to see Jersey Boys on Broadway with the Marching Band! It was SO AMAZING. I would highly recommend it O: As in, go see it. Now.



Friday was my last day here. I had my last dance lesson *cry* and I gave Victor my college address and a Pikachu doll. After that, I got my last bubble tea from Kam Man. I still haven't been into New London and haven't found out if there's a place that sells it here. But I could make it... Then, I had to call my grandparents, and they generally wished me luck, and my uncle came over and gave me some money [hehe] when Mum wasn't looking.

THEN IT WAS TIME TO GO! After a long drive, we got into NYC and I got to see SWITCHFOOT IN CONCERT. Everyone should know how much I love them ♥ ♥ ♥ . During "This Is Your Life," I almost started crying. I love seeing them live. They also played my favourite song, "Gone," mixed with "Crazy in Love" and "Umbrella," but I accidentally deleted the video!!!!! AAAAUGH! That, too, almost made me cry ;___;

I was fortunate enough to see the aftershow. Jon played a lot of songs from the new album, Hello Hurricaine. ♥



We left the city at 12 and got in around 1am, at which point we went to Viggi's house and kidnapped the poor guy. I made him sign my yearbook, lol. When 2:30 - the curfew his parents gave him that night - rolled around, we left for his house, but instead of saying goodbye, we chatted for about half an hour just sitting in the car in his driveway lol. I was very sad because this was the last goodbye, and he's such a good friend. Of course, it's more of a see you later, but things are never going to be the same.